yeah so garp says i gotta make these posts. Always gotta do what garp says. Just cuz hes the damn alpha. So..ok. well i updated the website and stuff. Read it. Garp makes me put up his pictures and stuff from the protests, and stacy comes into my office fucking bawling again and cries on my damn desk. I just got that desk! I told her to get the fuck out, and she just looked at me and cried harder then ran to garps office. I think they are probably getting it on. i mean, stacy is a hot piece of ass, but im not gonna ride the bike everyone ELSE has ridden. The tires get old, you know what i mean! And then monica comes in (when do i get to do any fucking work around here??) starts yelling at me for being a man pig or some shit about my cock, who knows what that spikey-haired dyke is talking about half the time. Anyway i told her to get the hell out so i could post her damn column and she left.
rich really pisses me off. That guy wasted 3 hours yesterday ranting and raving to me about how much dimebags cost nowadays and if he was 30 years younger he'd be out in his van again picking up broads and freaking out the squares. I mean, im all about freaking out the squares, but give it a rest man. The guy is nearing retirement age already! He also was pissing and moaning about how music is today and it doesnt have the heart that it used to. Heart humbug. When i wanna rock out, i dont wanna hear that fat pig from the mamas and the papas singin about choking on a damn ham sandwich, i wanna rock! wow, krokus and dio really rock out man. Sometimes when im driving down the freeway in my diesel volvo, i turn up the blue oyster cult and go way back. But anyway, rich is sitting there smelling like a fucking pitchouli blanket, and im trying to update the damn site! Who is gonna help the sea pig around here if i cant get the website updated!
I dont usually post this often but fuckin shit, rich was in here AGAIN and he smelled like pachouli AND garbage. Sometimes i wonder where that guy sleeps! His emergency card in the office doesnt list an address or a phone number. What the hell? Get some damn Dave's Natural Maine deodorant or whatever the hell its called and get some on that pasty skin of yours. Freaking slob.
Garp asked me to talk more about the sea pigs. He said write what i know. Well, i know this. I joined SWIM about 2 years ago and its been the best thing that ever happened to me. I spent the week fixing the mac's around the office. Im the only guy with a PC. When are they gonna learn apple's suck ass? Sure they are so trendy and cool, but what, are we a bunch of college hippies or something? One time i went down to the U at madison in wisconsin. That place is a fucking lions den of college hippies. They are probably all bi chicks too. Same with Berkely. Except fatter. poseurs. Ive been doing this for my life man and here they are, stealing the scene. Its great that they sometimes dont eat meat and they put out a lot, its all about empowerment man. I just think they should be more into it. Maybe not as into it as rich. Whats with that guy anyway? He just started here 6 months ago but he thinks hes the fucking guru just cuz he has like every dead bootleg and he had his bandana signed by jerry motherfucking garcia before he died. I think he died from herpes or something too. Thats why i dont touch that damn bandana. It smells like pachouli anyway. So as i was thinking about that, i wondered what DO sea pigs smell like? I hope stacy does that event at the zoo soon, so we can go see them.
i had a great weekend. I also am working on some new colors and stuff for the website, ill launch it all at the same time though, hopefully the site will be much more easy to look around and better arranged. I think cliff originally put it together and it sucks. Its like he used 'the assholes guide to HTML' and i bet he probably ripped it off too. That guy doesnt pay for anything. Everytime the office goes to lunch or out or whatever, he "left his wallet in his other hemp pants". Fuck that.
Garp called me last night and went on and on about his experience. Great! We've all felt pain! Get over it! Not as much pain as the sea pigs i bet. Sometimes i wish he'd teleport into the body of a sea pig so he'd know what its like. Sometimes i also realize that despite our differences we are all so united to helping. My mom said one time that i am a little high strung. I almost hit her for saying that but it made me realize that its true, and this cause helps me. But about the pain, he's rambling about that and i said geez Garp, dont you think we've all felt bad sometimes. I thought about how couple years ago i was engaged to this girl. Sometimes i think about her at thanksgiving or Christmas dinner or something, and talking about how she broke up with me. I bet its like her saying something like "HEY REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ENGAGED TO THAT GUY WHO REALLY LOVED ME AND WAS GOING TO MOVE DOWN TO REDNECK SOUTH CAROLINA FOR ME AND WANTED TO BE A FATHER TO MY SON FROM A PREVIOUS LOUSY MARRIAGE? IT SURE IS A GOOD THING I GOT OUT OF THAT ONE!!!" and her brother goes "YEAH SURE IS, I HATE TO THINK YOU WOULD HAVE HOOKED UP WITH THAT DAMN LOSER!!" and her mom says, who incidentally is on her 3rd marriage, "YES, AS A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD MULTIPLE MARRIAGES, I TOO AM PLEASED THAT YOU DITCHED THAT GUY A WEEK BEFORE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED AND TOLD HIM VERY COLDLY THAT YOU DIDNT WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING WITH HIM. HAHAHAHAHAHA" girl i was supposed to marry "HAHAHAHA IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD INSIDE THE WAY I BROKE HIS HEART FOREVER HAHAHAH" and then her brother again "OH STOP, THIS IS SO FUNNY IT IS MAKING MY LIVER HURT AND I THINK I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND TOUCH MYSELF, IT PAINED ME GREATLY TO THINK OF YOU MARRIED TO THAT POOR GUY WHO WOULD SELFLESSLY DO ALL THOSE THINGS FOR YOU AND YOU KICKED HIM TO THE CURB AND RUINED HIS LIFE FOR YEARS AND CAUSED HIM TO NEED A PERSCRIPTION TO PROZAC HAHAHAHA PLEASE PASS THE GRITS MAW". And when i think about that, it hurts.
The Roland says this: know your place!! mainly the roland says that to stacy. i have really mixed feelings about having shown everyone else here how to do their own posts. at least i dont have to do it for them, like i do everything else. im surpised they havent asked me to wipe their damn asses yet! man, that makes me shiver. but also they post the stupidest shit and just complain about each other. i guess it makes us stronger cuz we can get out our emotions. and man, does that Garp like to emote. he talks about it all the time. about how important it is to emote yourself. yeah well emote this. u know, we arent all a bunch of crybabies crawling around. "oh, my names garp and in addition to having a stupid name, i smell. i also masturbate frequently to scat porn and am balding except for the ratty horse tail i have coming out the back of my head." and "hi, my names Rich and despite the fact im an incoherent retard, i also manage to smell far worse than garp. i smell like cat urine mixed liberally with patchouli and have gray, ugly dreadlocks that look like hairballs which seem to scream hi, i am a dreadlock who was coughed up by a rabid cat after eating something i found in the dirt. thank you for being disgusted by me." and fucking monica, i dont know what happend to her down in san fran but all she talks about now is phalluses. phalluses phalluses phalluses. at first i didnt know what her problem was, i was like, what the fuck is a phallus? and then she pointed at me and called me the biggest phallus-monger of them all and started saying my cock was my master. thats when i realized phallus meant cock! i was gonna punch her in the head but i thought better of it. she has kind of a nasty swing herself. so then that bitch put up drawing of my cock all around the office entitled "phallus pharmer". that thing didnt even look like my cock. besides, mine is 9 inches, easy. so what i did is i took all those damn posters and and shredded them and then pissed in them and stuck them under her passenger seat. see how u like that phallus!
Alright so this weekend we are gonna go freak out the fishermen. garp has instructed me to encourage everyone to show up and all that. it should be fun anyway. maybe stacy will wear that bikini i bought her. at least she shaves, unlike that wookie monica. sometimes she wears these halter tops, but i dont know if she cant tie a knot or what (she wears VELCRO sneakers, of all things) but one time that thing fell off and i wouldnt think it, and neither would you, nor would probably anyone, but her nipples were hairier than my ass. i kid you not. i couldnt sleep for days, all i could see in my dreams was a jungle of hair. why on earth would a woman who shaves her head every couple days let the rest of the hair on her body grow to gargantuan proportions??? someday id like to see what that woMAN tammy, her "life partner" looks like. im sure shes a beast.
Well what a wonderful weekend. our "sea expedition" was a disaster. at least they werent able to net any sea pigs. but, stacy's damn cat downed, and we lost our boat. and i had to hear Garp go on for about an hour during the drive back about this freaking ponytail! not even the calming tunes of Foreigner could drown him out! i feel lucky that none of us was hurt, and Monica even congratulated me on how vulgar i was towards the fisherman and Greenpeace. i think she was maybe being sarcastic though. Oh, and holy shit. Tammy, her life partner turned up? and she is fucking hot! what is the world coming to?!? what is she doing with a wookie like Monica?? and i know you are reading this monica so shut the fuck up! i'll say what i want and if you piss on my car again im gonna punch you in the face! i couldnt believe it. i guess its fashionable to be bi or something. although i believe my time at SWIM has made me more tolerant of alternative lifestyles. i voted for Gore! Anyway, let me recap Sunday for you all:
Sunday morning 8am-10.45am: consisted of arguing with Monica and Garp about how to launch a boat
10.50-11am: bailing a lot of water out of the boat due to the amazing stupidity of both Monica and Garp
11am-12.15pm: searching for Socks. found said cat mating with a dead flounder
12.30-1pm: lunch. we were all supposed to bring a dish. Stacy brought celery and soy curd. I brought chips. Garp brought half a bag of stale chips. Monica brought "beggin strips", with the comment that "if dogs dont know its not bacon, its obviously not bacon so lets eat".
1pm-about 2pm: being sick and vomiting from disgusting beggin strips.
2.15-3pm: loading the boat. this involved hearing john tesh at blaring levels and Garp blowing saliva in my ear yelling about the 'trandcendatalicity' of it all
3pm-4pm: finding the fishermen.
4pm-4.30pm: getting our ass kicked by Greenpeace.
4.30-5.30pm: rescued by our enemy, the fishermen, and dropped off onshore
5.30-7pm: driving home and unsuccessfully attempting to extract gas money from Stacy, Monica and Garp. Each, apparently had left their wallet in their other fucking pants.
Lets stick to the land, people.
I saw Rich without his pants AGAIN today. that is like the 3rd or 4th time this has happened. WHAT IS WITH THAT GUY?! the first time i saw it, i went into his office to ask for a stapler and when he stood up, he wasnt wearing pants!! i asked him what was up with that and he mumbled something about 'having fallen asleep'. next time, i was in his office talking to him, or rather listening to him ramble on like "hi my names Rich and due to the concept of free love, i bagged my share of flowers. if you know what i mean. and let me tell you about my seed" GROSS. so he stands up again and same story, no pants! and today hes pouring a cup of green tea and hes got no freakin pants! i told him to get some damn pants or at least break out that ugly skirt he wore to that phish concert! and then he tells me something about falling asleep, and that my negativity is upsetting the office chi as well as his sperm production. nast. nast, nast, nast. and now theres some guy named Phyl calling me. and theres all these gay magazines and literature coming to my house! of course, the wookie, monica chooses to come out yelling about how its always about sperm and phalluses, and arent i a cock for stealing her "life partner" tammy. i just gave her my number, and she called me..big deal! i think tammy just needs a deep dicking or something to bring her outta that lesbian rut, ya know?
I have been really pissed off at the office lately. this homosexual innuendo crap has got to stop!! there are books and magazines and personal ads and "adam&steve" catalogs coming to my house and to the office. I dont know what the deal is. And this Phyl keeps calling me, he says Rich gave me his number and when i asked him about it he just mumbled something about the closet and it shouldnt stay in there cuz its beautiful. i checked the closet here and theres nothing but some cleaning supplies and a coat with tassels. I think he meant about 'coming out' of the closet! what is going on around here! i think they think im gay! and on top of that i had tammy over last night and she finds all these magazines and yelled something about monica was right and that she was going back! that was bad enough but then this morning monica was in my office already, and in addition to shedding profusely, was decorating my office with pink banners, rainbow flags, signs that said 'a safe place for homos' and freaking novelty toys that involved penises! although she was nice to me, which is a change, she thanked me for giving tammy back and revealing my true inner man! apparently, cocks are AOK for gays, but not a manly straight guy like myself. I think im going to have to have a talk with these morons, and especially Rich, tell his damn friend Phyl to stop calling me and to get some damn pants!
Well i went to another of our demonstrations. i have to say i was a little impressed. at least our attendance is improving. although garp will put a positive spin on anything and cut out the bad parts. im sure he will neglect to mention that 2 of our protesters were beaten by angry mothers at the disney store, i was hit in the groin by monica, and stacy was hit by a bus. not directly, it stopped, she had gotten so into her chant that she didnt think about where she was, and a damn bus nearly ran her over. she had to go to the hospital, but it was just for some deep bruises. and her purse was stolen, and she was fined 500 dollars by the city for refusing to vacate a public area (sidewalk). so all in all, a mixed day. and on top of it i got some new gay magazines today. they say they will take me off the list, but they still keep coming! what use have i for "mr. february" in the latest issue of 'Ballcruncher'?? im sick of this gay stuff..Rich is still doing his best to create a 'safe' atmosphere forme to come out in...and hes the one with no pants!!
Roland is quite angry today! for some reason, possibly because GARP AND RICH THINK IM GAY, a mysterious pink package showed up in my mailbox at work today, and was simply filled with various homosexual literature such as 'gay man's guide to san fran', 'homosexual holiday hoo-ha', 'auntie annies first gay date' (which is a childrens book i believe), 'tyrone and steve's first gay kwanzaa' and the magazines 'balls2walls', 'MGM (modern gay male) and a freaking catalog of gay want ads!! allow me to provide a few exerpts: -SGWM, sub bottom, seeks aggressive GBM/GAM top with small package. will swallow. -GWM, 35, seeks younger male under 18 to 'educate'. must be well endowed and ready to dress up! cum to daddy! -SGWM, 46, 6'3", 235, brn/brn, endowed, wants a hairy burly man to go to games, hunt, fish, and camp with. will provide sleeping bag/toys, tickets. -SMPBM, 22, needs discipline from a large hot man while wife is away! ive been bad, she doesn't know how bad! -GWM seeks horny TV for BSDM, water sports, and paint each other w/ our own feces. must be discrete. This is really getting on my nerves. I think im going to have a talk with those two assholes and tell them that i am NOT GAY!
roland sez this: i was sick, and thats my story. now get off my back! lots of things are up now that im back, tammy helped me recover a lot quicker.we talked about monica and got through that pretty quick. garp says i need to express my pain over monica's death and so i do...i am really sad. there, i feel better. anyway, at least with all this hoopla going on this whole gay thing has lessened..that phyl guy keeps calling me but i finally got all those "mysterious" subscriptions that were coming to me house stopped. although someone put a bunch of rainbow stickers on my car. they even ripped off my Kixx and Ratt stickers to make more room!
i had to take a picture of Rich the other day and the ONE time i dont want him to be wearing pants, guess what..he's wearing pants! that old freak. anyway, we have another protest coming up, im sure it will be a real winner. im looking forward to it. maybe tammy will come with me, she moved in over last weekend. it was pretty cool. i just gotta get that Phyl guy to stop calling me. maybe ill just meet him. that way i can ram all those damn rainbow stickers so far down his throat that..well anyway. its just a thought. im all for tolerance and stuff but it just makes me sick they think im gay. i think at least garp is starting to realize its not true, he hasnt come up to me recently from my blindspot and hugged me, telling me i am beautiful, and that my choices are beautiful! he really pisses me off. but not as much as rich. if he didnt stink so much, i think he would have noticed the dog shit i put in his "love bus'" air vents.
well i just put up the 'society for the extinction of cats' article. garp was quite excited about it, i think our time could have been better spent protesting somewhere rather than having late night sessions to send the society "bad karma" at Rich's suggestion and eating powerbars at Garp's. sometimes this place really blows my mind. i am not so sure this society is real, i mean, i have read that a lot of people put up fake websites as a joke or to confuse people. it makes me sick. how can they take away from somethign special by making fun of it like that?
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