This section deals with known sea pig poachers. We at SWIM use the term poachers because although no legal protection for sea pigs exists, their actions are reprehensible to us. These people make us sick inside, and remind us of that tragic John Tesh song, 'swimmin freely'. Take note of their hows and whys and if you see them on the street steer clear! just yell at them from a distance. This will be an ongoing feature! Poachers are listed below.
This angry man is responsible for many sea pig deaths. He has been hunting sea pigs for a few years, it is believed that the sea pig pelts he brings in is used to pay for his cocaine/speed habit, and also to pay for handjobs from random homeless men he encounters. SWIM has sent him many letters to please stop his activities and exposing his ignorance, but they have all been returned covered in what is presumably Danny's own feces.
Ronald is a lanky man who uses nets, and a winch on his 4x4 "no fear" pickup to pull sea pigs out of the sea because in addition to weakness of the mind and wrists, he is weak in body as well. He often tries to catch sea pigs live to sell as pets, although there is not much of a market for metric ton pets, but this just shows what a stupid man Ronald is. The nets also often cause sea pigs, which are air breathing mammals like you, me and helpless children, to drown, which only causes him to swear and kick their heads. Ronald has also been seen taking liberties with deceased sea pig carcasses.
In addition to being alive with pleasure, this man is alive with DEATH! It is not known just what this pleasure is, but it is no pleasure for the helpless sea pigs that cross his path. This man, who appears so kind, the type of guy you might give a ride to if he were hitchhiking and you were lonely and in need of a man's company, often strangles sea pigs to death with his own bare hands! Failing that, a shotgun blast will do. This man spit at a SWIM member once and it induced a nasty rash.
George lost his lower jaw back in the war, and so his lower lip and chin are supported by his constant sucking, which u can see by his inflated chest and drawn cheeks. He sucks as a person as well, his previous job as a fluffer on a homosexual porn set being replaced by that of sea pig murderer. (There was apparently some...upleasantness on the sets) His totals run into the hundreds. Jawless has also been known to eat sea pigs raw, and alive, he is a sadistic man who, SWIM being the pacifists we are, can ony wish scurvy or some like disease upon him.
'Pig boy' Peterson, 46
Pete is a hog of a man, his bacon rivalled only by the fattest of cops. But in this case, SWIM would rather see police any day of the week rather than pig boy! A not well known psychologist has said to SWIM, on good authority, that this man's hatred of sea pigs stems from his own obesity, he believes they are mocking him, somehow. his anger therefore is not for capitalist gain, but to simply kill sea pigs because they are. Luckily, because he uses a fishing pole his total is small. but beware this man, and if he asks you to hold something, just say no.
Mr. Alar is commonly referred to as fuzzcut in SWIM circles. he was once a minor league canadian football player but an injury left him sidelined and maligned. SWIM belives that daytime TV and sugary breakfast cereals, in cahoots with snack treats, drove this man insane. or at least really ticked off, because he supports himself now but leading sea pig hunting expeditions, and has several sea pig heads mounted in his home. Strangely, they are all at hip level.
"meat ball" Farsness, 61
Elmo recently was released from Landsburg Prison, which is a prison for prisoners with problems such as sickness, old age, and gross obesity, in outstate WA. This man has a confirmed case of malicousness, and is rumored to have a rare boob crab infection. Its like regular crabs, except it lives on and around hairy, flabby manboobs. Elmo hasnt successfully killed any sea pigs yet, but he tried daily, after working his overnight shift at walmart, and it is widely believed he may accidentally kill a sea pig one day. it is his perserverance we despise at SWIM!
It is not known what this man's real last name is, or if eddie is even his real first name, but it is beyond doubt he is crazy. crazy with the lust of sea pig deaths! eddie has had a hard life, it is known on the streets, as a boy he was kicked by all the townsfolk due to his amazing stench, and as a teen he was beaten up by all the town wives and made to work as a room cleaner at the local brothel. after serving time for various crimes involving mannequins, he has been in the business of selling used cars and catching sea pigs in his spare time to earn money for his dental problem. he is squiting so much because our flash woke him up from sleeping in the park. some hobos had been urinating on him at the time, and as SWIM members are such compassionate people, we attempted to leave. We were successful, they left when they were finished, and then we got this photograph.
This minor has been a performance artist in the seattle area, his past shows including 'fecal facepainting foursome' and 'anal warts: my passion, my curse'. Needless to say, these shows have closed in one night for each violating many city,state and federal laws. not to mention common decency. Marcel kills sea pigs for his own use, he eats them so he can save money from can collecting to pay for his next shows. SWIM applauds his back to nature approach and his recycling, but would see vegetables better used for sustenance, and not the precious sea pig. Marcel's parents, one of which may or may not have been the gorilla Har-Mar at the seattle zoo, abandoned him as a child and he was raised by that old woman who lives down in a van by the river.
As the colonel is fond of yelling at us when SWIM confronts him for his dastardly activities, he's "not called colonel because he's some dumbass army guy, you fucking asshole faggot bastards!'. Marcus has tourettes syndrom, and has had for most of his life, and has not received much help. another case that has fallen through the cracks of the system. Marcus is shown here at his job, manager of the local liquor store, where we got this picture, before he recognized us and roughly through us out. He stood in the doorway for 15 minutes, yelling, swearing, foaming at the mouth and repeatedly grabbing his buttocks, ramming his head into the door, and beating his fists on his groin. He sells sea pig vodka, its made from distilled sea pig fat. disgusting.
"superteased" Klavar, 46
Harry doesn't like anyone, not even children. the only thing he likes, and what made him give his "thumbs up" sign seen in this picture, is the feeling he gets where his other thumb is at the same time. Harry is often seen down outside the local Seattle Toys 'r' Us yelling profanities at children, and staring luridly at their fathers. The stench of this man is only bested by the stench of his breath. And the fact that he wears womens underwear.
This man has been arrested for stealing porno magazines from Big Jim's Wall O' Porn shop many times, and for his various "encounters" at public restrooms around Seattle. he is also a sea pig poacher who has a 16ft boat that is painted like a giant penis, something he obviously lacks in any shape or form.
marcus is basically a trained monkey. He was found by some winos in the park one day, and raised like them. Having little money or education, or basic hygeine or speech skills, marcus hunts sea pigs for food and clothing. this picture dates a few years, when he was sheltered by a wealthy local patron for disadvantaged children. marcus has had several pieces of his brain removed to "calm" him but it had the added side effect of removing his bladder and bowel control.
and Virginia Ferguson, 22 and 45
Virginia is actually Dale's mother, but they carry on as a married couple. it is not known what happened to the elder Mr. Ferguson, presumably they ate him, as they do every sea pig they catch. the also sell sea pig hide clothing and wallets at all the Grateful Dead and Phish shows they attend in their VW love bus. They are pictured here outside a home they recently burglarized and fornicated in.
and Svetlana Torkelson, ages unknown
Cooter, or "cooge" as he likes to be called, was recently married to Svetlana, she is a mail order bride from the former Soviet Republic of uzebekistan. he is quoted as telling anyone who will listen, "its great man, she cleans the whole damn trailer and anal sex every night!" it is truly a match made in heaven. Cooge is an avid hunter of sea pigs, in rare bouts of sobriety he has been known to kill a baby sea pig with his bare hands and teeth, getting its blood all over his big 1970s molesterstach.
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